Let Go.

July 31st, 2011

Till date the worst day of my life. It's been a blur since then, I haven't been able to focus entirely on one task for.. well, a really long time. You know that line.. "you don't know what you've got till it's gone".. It's fucking true. You never really truly know how much something or someone means to you until they've gone.
Things change, everything changes, change is the only thing that's constant. You may expect someone to stay with you for the rest of your life, but really, that's bullshit. "I'll stay with you forever" is something that you just can't and shouldn't promise; maybe you mean it at that time, but a change in your environment and situation can change the way you perceive a person and everything else around you. Maybe you meant it at the time you said it and I guess the moment is what matters, but broken promises (promises such as this) hurt like a mother fucker.

You,
I miss everything, I miss the afternoons, the pizza, watching Modern Family, cuddling, falling asleep together, the hugs, every kiss, 'who makes better omelets' contests, ham sandwiches, Korean food, auto rides, hour long jokes, bushmen in Botswana stories, coastal garba, how my hand fit perfectly in yours, when you held me it felt like home; like I was where I belonged, how adorable you were when you were ill, I miss your laugh, I miss your smile and I miss how it brightened my day, I miss how you made my heart melt every time you told me you loved me, what I miss most is that comfort.. That level of comfort which I might not ever develop with anyone else. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, as of now though, it sure as hell feels like I never will. It's unbelievably hard to alter your behavior so drastically around a person you did absolutely everything with, around a person you were so comfortable with.

I know deep inside that I've got to let you go. 2 months ago I couldn't have imagined saying something like this.. But I've got to come to terms with reality now. Do I still hope that you'll come back? Of course I do. I hope and pray for that day to come. I can't just pick up the phone and call you now, I can't pour my heart out to you, I wait for the day I can do that again. Till then, I'm going to try and live my life, and I'm going to try and be happy, even though every minute is killing me. 

It's been a while..

There's this horrible thing that exists within all of us, it stop us from doing things we ought to do, it makes us selfish..
It's called an EGO.

I wish things were different.. Hell, I'm happy.. I'm REALLY happy. A year ago, I wouldn't have believed it if anyone had said that I could last in a relationship for more than 2 months. But now it's like Oh yeah I can totally do it. Don't get me wrong, relationships are hard, but thankfully I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world who (bless his soul) still loves me despite all my flaws.

But something's missing.. When is something not missing, right? I have the perfect boyfriend, the most amazing friends. But I'm still missing that one other friend, the missing piece of the puzzle. I wish I didn't care anymore, however cruel that might sound, I just don't want to hurt this much.
I wish I knew what to do, should I pick up the phone and call? That's where my ego comes in, it's hard to just shove it aside. It's going to be the death of me one day. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I just needed to get it all out.

Ehh. MLIA. 

Just When You Thought Things Couldn't Get Any Crappier. POW!

2011 is a fucking bummer already.
I bet right now you're thinking "Ohhh Gosh, she's one of them. She's one of them girls who whine about not having a life".
Well, the thing is, I DO have a life. But what I also have are relatives and more importantly, Boards.
Anyway, so I was okay about spending my new year's at home.

Okay. Who am I kidding? Of course I wasn't okay with spending new year's at home. It's just sort of a big deal for me. It was all good when my boyfriend came to meet me. But he left before twelve (which is like.. a crucial time) and at 12, on the 1st of January, I was sitting next to a 7 year old, watching TV (I was alternating between New Moon and the Victoria's Secret Fashion show).
Anyway, I'm glad Sargun could make it at least.. I just feel like shit though.

So when I woke up in the morning, I cried. And I kept thinking that since it's started off bad, maybe this year'll be bad throughout.. But that's not true right? I mean, of course it isn't. I'm not going to fail my boards! And I'll have plenty of time to get drunk and do stupid things and have fun.
Seriously. After the boards, I'm going to do what I want, and go wherever the fuck I want.

So I was feeling FUCK crappy.. Things started looking up after I watched reruns of Castle. And JUST when things started looking up. I get the news.

My driver got drunk. And he crashed our brand new car. Fabulous way to start a new year, isn't it?

EVEN MY FUCKING DRIVER WAS PARTYING.